Resolving Conflict

2007-06-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last week I sat across the desk from someone thinking I was hearing an echo. One highly committed and competent employee, valued by her CEO, was complaining about issues with another highly committed and competent co-worker (also valued by her CEO). In two separate meetings they used the exact same words to describe the other: "she doesn't respect me, won't communicate, doesn't trust me, isn't collaborative, etc." They went on to use the same exact words to describe what they desired from their working relationship. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, it was the same scenario repeated daily across my client base and organizations in every time zone and market sector. What was going on? Ineffective choices in resolving conflict - a major morale and productivity buster in all human systems.

Knowing that this client (and others, too) needed some fast tips to resolve issues without me being there in person, I hopped on the Internet and searched my substantial library. Lots of hits - believe me. But truthfully - not much usable substance. Then I had to ask myself, "If I was there talking and walking them through this how would I coach them?" Just that weekend I had been forced up to bat in my personal life. A conflict needed addressing. I was tempted to react, blame and coerce. After some dearly needed reflection I realized I could choose to just blow off steam at someone else's expense for some short term release - like my clients often get sucked into - or make effective choices. Bottom line? It was hard. Making intentional choices vs. reacting takes more conscious effort. The results? Positive dialogue, healing in the relationship, some laughter and forward motion. Now that's what I call positive ROI.

Karen's Tips for Addressing & Resolving Conflict:

Choose to be curious vs. fearful. What could I learn here? What am I missing here? What are the possibilities in working through this? Fear is closed. Curious is open. Fear protects. Curiosity embraces. And curious is more fun.

Share your intent. Be clear about what you are hoping to create in the conversation. Be clear about what you don’t want. Be clear about what you think is possible – or not. And state it to the other party at the front end of the conversation. This is powerful, responsible and reduces the tendency for the other party to make faulty assumptions about your motivations and desires.

Listen carefully to your physical body – it is a feedback machine and informs you when you are getting into “reaction.” Is your breathing changing? Is your tone of voice changing? Is something somewhere (neck, stomach, shoulders) tightening? This is information for you to use! Learn to listen and observe the signals – they are reliable sources of truth for you.

Ask more than tell. Using questions shows your intent to learn. It also helps you control the tone and pacing of the conversation. Use open ended questions throughout the conversation, even writing a few down in advance to remind yourself to stay in listening mode.

Speak in “I” statements – and avoid sounding like your perceptions are a lock on the truth. “I can see how you would feel that way.” “I have experienced this situation in this way.” “I would like to see us handle this in a different way.” When you do____I feel____.”

Make requests vs. demands. “Could we agree to approach this differently”? “I would like to request that in the future you_________.” Requests demonstrate respect. Demands intensify defensiveness.

Forget about being right. Instead, choose to be effective. The compelling need to be right is an enormous barrier to effective conflict resolution. If being right is your intent, then in “winning” you will lose – pretty much every time.

FIND IT - Owning Your Life and Your Own Point of View

2007-05-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

Owning My Life and My Point of View: Lesson #1
There’s a rhythm of change in my life, kind of like a trade wind that blows through on a fairly regular cycle. Could be it was hitting the half century mark? Or, maybe becoming an empty nester stirred up by this vague, needling sense that I had outgrown how I was expressing myself in writing. The exact answer was elusive. No matter. Instinctively, I knew it was time to refine and rethink my direction. Time to “re brand” what I was doing in the marketplace – to “re envision” the future.

So early autumn 2006 found me launching ahead toward the next iteration of myself and my company with the help of 3, the brand communications company. Frankly- it was more than I bargained for. It’s taken more time, been more fun, and been more frustrating than I could anticipate. Around October I realized I was walking right smack dab in the middle of the road I take my coaching clients down. Excavating one’s deepest values, beliefs, life operating principles and aspirations is no picnic. Not to mention defining the demons and detours that can block the way… I was reintroduced to the wrestling required to take this path. And I was reminded why it is ever so tempting to just avoid the whole exercise. More than anything else I was confronted with the need to unearth and fully own my point of view. Make no mistake - a fierce point of view is resident within me. No one would describe me as “milquetoast” or “shy about my opinions.” But like many, I had hesitated to extract, from the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, what I truly believe. Too often, I’ve been content to simply quote others and lean too heavily on the minds I most respect and aspire to.

Why did I hesitate? Why do we all, at times, hesitate to find and own our point of view? First, many of us are products of the educational system that asserts that there is only one right answer. What if my point of view is “wrong”? And then there’s life in the age of tolerance. What if my point of view offends someone? Let’s see – did our suffragette sisters offend anyone with their point of view that all people (ahem) deserve a voice in a truly democratic system? And Rosa Parks in her simple but profound act? Or, what about the people that founded this country? I’m sure they were less concerned with tolerance and more concerned with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all! For me, there is also the quiet fear of moving toward arrogance. I have heard too many radio talk show hosts spewing their Point of View – often vicious, biased and self-serving. Finding and owning one’s point of view harbors a dark side that I wanted no part of. “Give me balance or give me death,” I’ve been known to say in conversations with myself! Should I have said, “Give me mediocrity?”

But a funny thing has happened on this journey toward embracing my true Point of View – I am feeling more freedom about myself and the way I work with others. I am less concerned about pleasing others simply to avoid ruffling feathers. Many decisions seem more natural and fluid. I believe I am becoming more effective and more passionate. Because, when you express your true point of view you are becoming more yourself. And that is not only good, it is peaceful. As I’ve peeled this next layer off – embracing my experiences and deepest beliefs - I can more readily hear others, even when we differ.

So let me hear from you. What’s hard about finding your point of view? What’s good about the journey? What holds you back? Let’s get these Points of View circulating and take ownership of what matters most to every one of us.

“No two lives are the same. We often compare our lives with those of others, trying to decide whether we are better or worse off, but such comparisons do not help us much. We have to live our life, not someone else’s. We have to hold our own cup. Many people can help me live my life, but I have to make my own choices about how to live it.” –Thomas Merton

Refreshed Brand Identity for The Howells Group
The “triple flame” is an entirely new approach, but touches back to the original butterfly design that defined my brand for the past 15 years. A flame, when directed brings life, warmth and illumination. It represents a timeless place for gathering as community to consider learning and life. The triple flame also represents creativity in approaching work & life. Because the design is entirely original, it exemplifies leadership. Leaders are made – or forged, if you will – in the heat of a challenge. The different shades of red in the logo represent the varying degrees of fire one might find in a forge.

The movement inferred in the design also represents the Trinity, the Spirit of
God and the gift of passion. Spiritually, it is a very basic part of how we approach our work and how we live our lives. It is what makes us feel complete.

Last, there exists a synergy & harmony within the design that is a bridge from the old brand to a new one. Bridging the gaps in human understanding is an essential brand attribute as it embodies the philosophy and approach of The Howells Group to business and life.